Matt's Fricking Blog

I got an email from a friend the other day. The gist of it was that I was being a bad friend to some people that are/were close to me, and that I should pull my head out of my butt and get in better touch with them.

This friend was well intentioned, and I can understand his frustration. I’ve had 10,000,000 things going on in my life and in my mind, and I’ll admit that this group of friends wasn’t near the top of the list. His laundry list of my faults were long and detailed, but they had a different effect than he intended.

It made me realize that I’ve been living a “have-to” life. Recently, everyone wants something out of me, and I’ve been doing a lot of things that drive me crazy because I felt like I had to. I’m tired of being ordered around. Here’s my list of things I don’t “Have-to” do anymore.

1. I don’t have to go out if I don’t want to. It’s my right to stay in and read, write, or otherwise indulge my creative side.
2. I don’t have to work at a job that makes me cringe at the thought of going to work. I’ve been telling myself to be grateful that I had work, but even in temping, there are other opportunities than the ones you hate. I’m not saying I’ll only take dream job opportunities, but I’m going to have a minimum acceptable standard from now on.
3. I don’t have to be treated as backup. By anyone for any reason.
4. I don’t owe everyone who’s nice to me.
5. I don’t have to put the needs of everyone around me before my own all of the time. They usually don’t appreciate it, anyway, so that can’t be the reason I do it. Life is too short to worry about everyone else. I’ll help when I can, say a prayer for them in times that i can’t, and that will be enough. No more guilt.
6. Pride comes from standards.
7. Fear really is the mind killer.
8. Sometimes you have to upset people, even people you love for your own happiness.

Well, it’s been a while since I blogged on here, so let’s make with the updates, shall we?

1. My new job is going well. I’m getting back in the swing of cold calling again, and I’m on the upswing as far as appointments and sales go. Good stuff on the horizon there.

2. A few months ago, I started chatting with this amazing girl online. I’m kinda crazy about her, and things are going really well there. I won’t give too many details as she still has some people she wants to tell before we get super public. I don’t think anybody on here will know who she is anyway, but I want to respect her wishes. I even let the “L-word” slip the other day. It’s kind of awesome.

3. My roommate has moved back up to Idaho, so my apartment is a little lonely. He’ll be missed, but he got a killer job up there, so I’m happy for him.

4. All in all, things are going really well. I’ll post developments with my new girl (we’ll call her H for now) as they come up. For now I’ll just say

I went to my nephew’s baseball game tonight. He’s 7 now, and he’s really getting to be big. I’m so proud of the guy. Last week, after a particularly rough game, he and I had a long (for a 7 year old) phone conversation. We talked about how to deal with a bad day, how to be happy, and how the best thing to do with a bad experience is to learn the lesson from it and move on. That was last week, so this week, when he asked me to come to his game, how could I refuse?

My brother and I sat watching the the boys on the field, waiting for their turn at bats. Ty was standing there proudly, excited for his turn, swinging the bat back and forth beneath a batters helmet that was 2 sizes too big. He was excited. He took his turn at the plate, standing just like his dad and his coaches had taught him, elbows at the ready and choked up on the bat. They dropped the ball into the pitching machine (remember when it was Coach pitch, not machine pitch?) and it popped straight down the middle, dipping low as it neared the plate. Ty swung with all his might. A miss.

But an amazing thing happened. My perfectionist nephew didn’t cry. He didn’t look crestfallen or hurt or afraid or any of the myriad emotions I had seen from him before. He just clenched his jaw, swung the bat once in practice, and resumed his iron stance, pure determination radiating all the way to the watching crowd. This time the ball whistled down the field in a nearly identical path, and his 7 year old arms swung with all their might. Crack! The ball went flying toward the outfield (most of the others barely hit it into the infield, making it that much more impressive). He ran as fast as his legs could carry him and slid into first base (even though nobody had the ball, he made it look good).

Later, we lay on his front lawn, telling his dad all about his great game. He was praised for being a good ball player, and for playing well. but then he surprised me and told my brother and brother-in-law something I had told him the previous week on the phone. “I learned a lesson from last week. That’s why I did better.”

I don’t think I’ve stopped smiling since. It was a good night.

A friend of mine posts her “List for Tuesday” each week on her blog. This time she posted some things she learned this week, but at the end she asked “What have you learned this week?”

You know I can’t resist a good question like that, so here goes, my list for this week.

• No matter how high you rev the engine, 1st gear can only go so fast.
• Feeling stupid and lazy is the worst feeling there is.
• It feels awful to have a plan and no power to act on it.
• Sleeping for 2 or 3 hours in a night is a lot harder on you than it sounds.
• The best way to get un-stuck is to kick yourself in the ass
• Kicking yourself in the ass is harder than it seems
• If the tummy ain’t happy, ain’t nothin’ else happy
• One of the hardest part of being a grownup is there’s no one to take care of you when you’re sick

America is a model of force and freedom and moderation – with all the coarseness and rudeness of its people.
Lord Byron

Today has not been a great day.

Work was long, hard, and pretty monotonous, but it was acceptable. As I was leaving work today, I ran into a friend that I don’t get to see very often. We were having a nice conversation and catching up a little, when this skinny little bitch-boy comes up and stands right beside us and lights up.

Now the fact that he was smoking didn’t offend me. I don’t smoke personally, but I have plenty of friends that do. I think it’s a very personal choice, and judging people for it is wrong. Smokers get to live with the consequences of their actions just like the rest of us.

But seriously, two people are just talking outside on a nice sunny day, neither smoking at the time, and you just come stand right next to us (way too close to the entrance of the building, btw, per Utah law), and start shooting your niccy-breath all over us.

1. I’m allergic to cigarette smoke, and I’ve struggled with it for a long time. I can’t be around it or I start coughing like a mad man. Seriously, I can’t even stay in smoking rooms in hotels because I’ll just get sick.

2. If you want to join a conversation, feel free, it’s not a problem, I’m a friendly guy. I like meeting new people, especially if they have something to add. Don’t stand there with your ciggy and gawk like an idiot. Say something!

In answer to your question, yes, this wasn’t that big a deal. Yes, I am bitching about nothing, and yes, there was really no reason to post this. Things have been going…not so well in general, and I needed to rant for a minute. Let off some steam you know?

I kind of hate feeling like this, but there’s really no recourse but to move through it. Begging all of your pardons.

I’ve been mentally writing a rather long-winded sappy post about the girl I’ve been seeing.  I had it all planned out.  All sorts of rosy prose and long-sighing phrases, the kind of disgusting imagery you want to shoot people for writing.  Paragraph after paragraph of undying affection.  Very cheesy.  A blog post worthy of showing my kids someday to demonstrate what a nerd I was/am.  Unfortunately, that post isn’t going to be written anymore. See, on April 6, 2010 at 9:44 PM, I was unceremoniously dumped.

With an email.

It was five sentences long.

As you can imagine, I didn’t sleep very well that night.  A breakup email isn’t the greatest way to get ready for sleep.  I kept having bad dreams and waking up.  I don’t know exactly which was worse, the nightmares or the being awake, but they both kept switching places until I wasn’t sure which was which anymore. When I woke up, I checked my email again to make sure it was still there.  It was.

Getting through the day today was torture.  The hours dragged on from one call to the next.  I accidentally bumped my phone and hung up on a client while they were describing their issue to me.  I had to have people repeat themselves multiple times because my mind just wouldn’t register their words.

Luckily for me, I have some of the greatest friends a guy could ask for.  Carrie and Jess particularly got me through today. They made me laugh with silliness and jokes (i.e. Why did the pirate wear a paper towel on his head?  “Tharr be a bounty on me head!” ).  Jessica came over and watched movies about Chipmunks and Crazy Other Mother’s with me.  We ate pizza and chocolate, and barely spoke about dating or anything thereunto related.

Now it’s April 8, 2010,  12:37 AM.  I’m going to try to sleep again, but I’ll be honest with you, the prospect isn’t that inviting.

Wish me luck. And please, pardon my angst. This breakup was different than any other I’ve had.

A buddy at work gave me the quote for the title.  I swear I laughed for five minutes straight.

So, let’s see, what can I be cathartic about today?  I could talk about stupid people, but everyone already knows how stupid people can be.  I could rant and rave about diabetes or my utter lack of desire to be physically active, but that wouldn’t do much good. I think half the posts in this blog are ranting about women, so there’s not much benefit to adding another one (especially since I’ve tricked an amazing girl into a relationship at the moment, so I’m rather in favor of the opposite sex at the moment;)).  Don’t worry, that last sentence is as gooey as I’ll get in this post. I’ll save the good stuff for another one.

Work is going well, other than that I have to work on Sunday’s, which is a drag.  I went to Institute with Brynn last week, and it was SO nice to just spend some time on spiritual things.  It was like three really good naps all rolled into one.  Relaxing, pleasant, just lovely.  And having someone pretty to look at?  Just makes it better!

I think I’m getting soft in my old age.  I need to start doing more physical things.  The sun is starting to shine and it’s almost warm enough to get out my skates and go.  Yes, it IS a little odd for a guy my age to be out on rollerblades, thank you for asking!  Mostly it’s because I like the sunshine, the speed, and the occasional crash and burn keeps your head in the game.  Feels so good when it stops hurting.

The reason this post is so disjointed is that my head is a little fried.  Tech support is a rather attention deficit profession, so I’m sort of all over the place.  I’m okay with it.    Here endeth the random.

I keep over thinking my blog posts and they get lost in my head.  I neglected a lot of important things to me, my blog included, when I moved last time. I guess I owe it to myself to keep going.

I read a parable the other day that keeps coming to mind (and, of course, driving me crazy).  So, in an effort to get it OUT of my head, here it is:
There once was a farmer who had two beautiful bails of hay, recently ripened, cut, and bailed.  He placed one bail at each end of the barn, and led his donkey in to eat.  The donkey sat in the middle of the barn, looking first at one bail, then at another, then back to the first.  This went on for several days, and the donkey eventually starved to death.

As usual, I’m the ass in this story.

There are so many options, so many wonderful thinks, and places, and things, and doings, and beings to do.  The verbs alone could take me days to write out!  It’s so hard to choose.  So I try to spend more time doing than I do thinking about doing them.   Buuuut then these late nights when I can’t sleep creep up on me, and I get thinking too much.

Fun, in’ it?

There you go. One late night boorish rambling from Matt.  Doesn’t your day feel complete now?

Lately a lot of my friends have been getting into blogging for the first time, and I’ve been telling them how great it is. Of course, that made me start feeling like a hypocrite, and we can’t have that now, can we?

Things are going well for me right now.  I’ve fully moved into my apartment and my roommate is a really good guy, and we get along really well.  I’ve been seeing  a great girl for a while, though she’s leaving for the wilds of the mission field in the next little while.  And yes, apparently I AM a masochist, thank you for asking.

I can’t think of what to put here right now.  I keep feeling like I should put something up, but it’s just not coming.  So I’ll post soon.

1. You can ONLY answer Yes or No!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages or comments you and Asks!

Now, here’s what you’re supposed to do… And please do not spoil the Fun. Copy and paste this into your blog, delete my answers and type in your answers. Then see what happens.

1.Kissed any one of your facebook friends?..Yes
2.Been arrested? …
3.Kissed someone you didn’t like? …Yes
4.Slept in until 5 PM? …Yes
5.Fallen asleep at work/school? …Yep
6.Held a snake? …Yep
’7.Ran a red light? …Yep
8.Been suspended from school? …Nope
9.Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? ….Si
10.Been fired from a job? …Yes
11. Sang karaoke? … Yeah
12. Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? …Yep
13. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? …Yep
14.Caught a snowflake on your tongue? …Yep
15 Kissed in the rain? …Not yet

16 Sang in the shower? …Yep
17 Sat on a rooftop? …Yep
18 Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? …Yes
19 Broken a bone? …No
20 Shaved your head? …Nope
21 Blacked out from drinking? …Nope
22 Played a prank on someone? …Yep
23 Felt like killing someone? …YES
24 Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? …Yes, I’m afraid
25 Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? …Nope
26 Been in a band? …Yes
27 Shot a gun? …Ye

28 Donated Blood? …Nope
29 Eaten alligator meat? …Nope
30 Eaten cheesecake? …Yep
31 Still love someone you shouldn’t? …Yes
32 Think about the future? …Yep
33 Believe in Love ? …Yep
34 Sleep on a certain side of the bed? …Yep♦

Well, it looks like a new year is upon us.  I was going over my goals that I wrote down from January of last year, and I’m pleased to say that  I achieved them all.  I have a little internet business, I’ve developed some amazing relationships, I have a fully functional vehicle, and I’ve grown as a person.

But, as they usually do, the year has begun to wane.  I’m running out of time to set my sights on next year.  The day after tomorrow is the start of 2010 (pronounced twenty-ten, I love saying it).  Time to start some NEW goals and ideals.  I’m really looking forward to this year, too.  So here they are, my goals for 2010.

1.  Develop my internet business into a supportable income stream.  – I want to be able to live off the profits of my net ventures, and this is really the goal of any aspiring net-preneur I daresay.

2.  Read 50 books this year.  – I’m finding that my love of reading tends to be a bit unfocused, and I want to develop a steady reading list, so I’ll be sure to know what’s next on the agenda for me. I’ve already got about 30 of them picked out.  If you have any recommendations, be sure to leave me a comment.  Fiction or non-fiction, doesn’t matter.

3.  See 5 Plays.  I love going to the theater, but I always come up with 1,000 excuses not to go.  Anyone want to come with me?
I’d also love to hear what your goals for the year.  Post them on your blog or in the comments, I’m curious.  Either way, let me know what your resolutions are.  It’s always easier to keep them if we announce them, right?  Let’s do it!

At the challenge of a certain ex-girlfriend in a very public and inappropriate venue (See comments from previous blog post), I’ve decided to make a list of things that have made me happy for more than one month.

• Purging negative people from my life:  I’ll tell you truly, this one step has made as much difference in my life as any other act I’ve ever undertaken.  One of the great feelings in the world is to think of all the people you regularly associate with, and realize what a powerful influence for good in your life they are.  So if you’re someone I keep talking to, thanks.  If you’re someone I’ve purged, thanks for going away.

• My Blazer:  Yes, I know, car’s shouldn’t make you happy but mine does.  Mostly, it’s that feeling that I can go anywhere and do anything.  I like to drive old cars because it means I don’t have to make a car payment every month.  This has been a blessing and a curse more than once, and I’ve had some cars that spent more time derelict in my driveway than on the road.  This one has had some problems, but a) it’s big, so I can reach my hands and arms inside it to fix more easily, and b) it has a heater, CD player, and air conditioning (and they all WORK!)

• Reading.  I can’t explain it, but reading is my greatest love.  Fiction, non-fiction, sappy love stories, rip roaring adventures, or a good book on an interesting subject, I’ll take it all.

• My old dog, Max.  He was the best friend a kid could ask for, and even though it’s been almost three years since he passed away, I still miss the old boy.  Thinking about him, though, reminds me not to take life too seriously.  I don’t remember him having a down day in his entire 15 years, and he could always tell when you were down.  His solution was to lick your face and snuggle up to you until you smiled and petted him.  Rest in peace, buddy, miss you.

• Music – Doesn’t matter what kind of mood I’m in, music can help it.  In my house growing up, the only music was Mo-tab, so when my oldest brother got a boom box for Christmas, he discovered he held a power over his younger siblings.  If he needed help with work, he would bribe us by saying “I’ll let you listen to my Phantom of the Opera tape!”.  I still think I got the better end of that deal.

• Notebooks – For those of you who don’t know, I have a rather odd quirk (well, several actually,  but this is one of my favorites).  I can’t go anywhere without a notebook and something to write with.  It started when I was in Jr. High and I came to my dad with a problem.  I told him I was having difficulty concentrating because I had all these thoughts floating around in my head and it made it difficult to focus on them.  He suggested I grab a small notebook and write them down.  After I had them on paper, I could work on them now, put them off until later, or just decide they weren’t worth it.  I don’t think I’ve gone longer than a week without something to write in in my pocket since then.  I just love the way they help me calm down, figure things out, or even just let me get creative when I’m bored.  I recommend this to ANYONE to try for a week or two.  It will change EVERYTHING.

• F.Y.E. – You know those nights when you’re slightly broke and miserable?  Well, my solution to that is to take some old movies I don’t watch all that much and get a few bucks at F.Y.E.  That money is sacred, and is only to be spent in the lifting of one’s spirits.  Sometimes that means a little gas in the car, sometimes it might mean a little treat, sometimes it might mean hitting a cheap movie.  It ALWAYS means feeling better.  Love these guys.

• Crossword puzzles – Keeps your brain sharp, your hands busy, and makes the bus come faster.  What more could you possibly ask for?

• Clean Underwear (Yes, Eve and Celeste, that one’s for you) – Honestly, this is one of my favorite things.  The smell and feel of fresh, clean clothes is like snuggling into a warm blanket.  ALWAYS love clean laundry.

• Meditating – I took my first martial arts class when I was a kid, where they taught us the basics of meditation.  Since then, I’ve learned a few different ways to do it, but every one of them calms me right down.  I’ve even been able to mostly conquer my insomniactic tendencies with it.  Powerful stuff.

• Golf – Yeah, I know, this is one of my “things” that I kick around once in a while.  I love the smell of fresh cut grass, and the weight of a club in my hands.  About two years ago, my work sponsored a golf tournament.  I decided, why not, it might be fun to try and I had an old set of golf clubs my grandfather had given me.  Even though I was terrible at it, (and still am, though better than I was) it was just so nice to be out in the fresh air with the sun shining.  I don’t go as often as I might like, but I sure enjoy it when I do.  I even do that thing where you put the golf ball into the cup around my house.  Lame, I know, but it’s relaxing and fun.

• Writing – I love writing short stories, poetry, and lyrics.  My Senior year, I had English with Mr. Snell and Creative Writing with Mrs. Sheen.  He’s a real nut about poetry and she’s a real nut about fiction.  Their combined passion was a storm NOBODY could resist, and I was no exception.  I don’t write often enough for my own tastes, but that’s my own fault.  Doing it is one of those things that just makes me happy.

• Welding – Yup, I bet you didn’t know this about me.  I LOVE welding metal.  There’s no feeling quite like watching hard steel or iron turn cherry red with Promethean fire in the palm of your hands.  You grab your work with a pair of pliers and quench it in a bucket of water and you look closely at it, inspecting it for imperfections and flaws.  Making a perfect piece is nice, but the better feeling is when you can say “okay, I could have done this part better”.  Then you try again and you fix the problem.  Metal may be cold and hard, but it’s an excellent teacher.  I can’t even express many of the lessons I’ve learned from an arc-welder and some steel.

• Computers – These beasties have been one of my favorite puzzles since I was in Elementary school.  My Dad brought home a computer for me to play with one day, when I asked him how it worked.  Only my dad could teach an 8 year old about how computers work.  The man has the patience of Job!  I’m sure he thought I’d quit bugging him with questions about it after a day or two, but now 17 years later, I STILL come up with new ones.  I even remember the first time he ever asked ME for MY opinion on a computer problem.  I fixed it.  That was a good day.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it sure was fun to make.  What about you?  What makes you happy?

I put gas in my car today.  Not a big deal, or anything, but it felt nice.

That sad thing was that I didn’t really have anywhere I needed to be, but just the assurance that I COULD if I WANTED to go somewhere was nice.

Grandma was in a car accident.  That kind of sucked.  She broke her neck and lived through it somehow.  Personally, I think she was just tougher than the other car.

I start work on Sunday.  Yes, I’m working on Sunday.  You may condemn me as you like.  I AM pretty excited about it, though.  I get to work for Apple Computers for Tech Support.

Yeah, this is turning out to be the worst blog post ever.  I wish I had more going on in my life to write about, but I just don’t.  So if you have any suggestions for new adventures, feel free to comment below.  Please.  Seriously.  Like right now.

I was having a really interesting chat conversation with a good friend today when she made a comment that’s been nagging at the back of my mind.

“That’s just a part of the ebb and flow of life.  You have to have one to have the other.”

I must have heard little snippets like that a thousand times, but somehow that image of tides coming in and out was comforting.  Isn’t it nice to know that where you are is just a part of where you’re going? Even who you are is just a moment in time.

I promise these weird posts will stop eventually.  I have too much time to think and not enough to do.  This leads to thinky posts.  Sorry about that.

I love the fall.  In Utah, we don’t really get much of a fall, it’s really more of a pendulum effect between summer and winter, but I still love it.  You have to enjoy whatever parts of it you get, like Halloween, the first frost, and harvesting.  I awoke the other night to howling wind and snow falling outside.  I watched the quiet war between weather and trees as limbs bent and twisted in the wind.  The perfect blend of peace and war played out in the tundrid scene, paying no attention to the man at the window pane.

I picked apples from the old tree in the back yard today.  The best time to pick apples is after the first freeze, because it makes them crunchy and frosty.  It felt like a zen meditation to sort through the apples on the branches, plucking the ripe, red, fleshy ones and throwing away the bruised and broken ones.   When I was done, I carried my small crop gently, being careful not to drop or bruise any of them.  There was only about a grocery sack full of the ruby-red fruits, but each one was  perfect.  Washing the apple and shining it on my shirt made it gleam in the sunlight.  I confirmed it when I bit into my first slice.  Crisp, clear, cool, and delicious.  It was pure heaven.