Matt's Fricking Blog

I keep over thinking my blog posts and they get lost in my head.  I neglected a lot of important things to me, my blog included, when I moved last time. I guess I owe it to myself to keep going.

I read a parable the other day that keeps coming to mind (and, of course, driving me crazy).  So, in an effort to get it OUT of my head, here it is:
There once was a farmer who had two beautiful bails of hay, recently ripened, cut, and bailed.  He placed one bail at each end of the barn, and led his donkey in to eat.  The donkey sat in the middle of the barn, looking first at one bail, then at another, then back to the first.  This went on for several days, and the donkey eventually starved to death.

As usual, I’m the ass in this story.

There are so many options, so many wonderful thinks, and places, and things, and doings, and beings to do.  The verbs alone could take me days to write out!  It’s so hard to choose.  So I try to spend more time doing than I do thinking about doing them.   Buuuut then these late nights when I can’t sleep creep up on me, and I get thinking too much.

Fun, in’ it?

There you go. One late night boorish rambling from Matt.  Doesn’t your day feel complete now?

Lately a lot of my friends have been getting into blogging for the first time, and I’ve been telling them how great it is. Of course, that made me start feeling like a hypocrite, and we can’t have that now, can we?

Things are going well for me right now.  I’ve fully moved into my apartment and my roommate is a really good guy, and we get along really well.  I’ve been seeing  a great girl for a while, though she’s leaving for the wilds of the mission field in the next little while.  And yes, apparently I AM a masochist, thank you for asking.

I can’t think of what to put here right now.  I keep feeling like I should put something up, but it’s just not coming.  So I’ll post soon.

1. You can ONLY answer Yes or No!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages or comments you and Asks!

Now, here’s what you’re supposed to do… And please do not spoil the Fun. Copy and paste this into your blog, delete my answers and type in your answers. Then see what happens.

1.Kissed any one of your facebook friends?..Yes
2.Been arrested? …
3.Kissed someone you didn’t like? …Yes
4.Slept in until 5 PM? …Yes
5.Fallen asleep at work/school? …Yep
6.Held a snake? …Yep
‘7.Ran a red light? …Yep
8.Been suspended from school? …Nope
9.Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? ….Si
10.Been fired from a job? …Yes
11. Sang karaoke? … Yeah
12. Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? …Yep
13. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? …Yep
14.Caught a snowflake on your tongue? …Yep
15 Kissed in the rain? …Not yet

16 Sang in the shower? …Yep
17 Sat on a rooftop? …Yep
18 Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? …Yes
19 Broken a bone? …No
20 Shaved your head? …Nope
21 Blacked out from drinking? …Nope
22 Played a prank on someone? …Yep
23 Felt like killing someone? …YES
24 Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? …Yes, I’m afraid
25 Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? …Nope
26 Been in a band? …Yes
27 Shot a gun? …Ye

28 Donated Blood? …Nope
29 Eaten alligator meat? …Nope
30 Eaten cheesecake? …Yep
31 Still love someone you shouldn’t? …Yes
32 Think about the future? …Yep
33 Believe in Love ? …Yep
34 Sleep on a certain side of the bed? …Yep♦

Well, it looks like a new year is upon us.  I was going over my goals that I wrote down from January of last year, and I’m pleased to say that  I achieved them all.  I have a little internet business, I’ve developed some amazing relationships, I have a fully functional vehicle, and I’ve grown as a person.

But, as they usually do, the year has begun to wane.  I’m running out of time to set my sights on next year.  The day after tomorrow is the start of 2010 (pronounced twenty-ten, I love saying it).  Time to start some NEW goals and ideals.  I’m really looking forward to this year, too.  So here they are, my goals for 2010.

1.  Develop my internet business into a supportable income stream.  – I want to be able to live off the profits of my net ventures, and this is really the goal of any aspiring net-preneur I daresay.

2.  Read 50 books this year.  – I’m finding that my love of reading tends to be a bit unfocused, and I want to develop a steady reading list, so I’ll be sure to know what’s next on the agenda for me. I’ve already got about 30 of them picked out.  If you have any recommendations, be sure to leave me a comment.  Fiction or non-fiction, doesn’t matter.

3.  See 5 Plays.  I love going to the theater, but I always come up with 1,000 excuses not to go.  Anyone want to come with me?
I’d also love to hear what your goals for the year.  Post them on your blog or in the comments, I’m curious.  Either way, let me know what your resolutions are.  It’s always easier to keep them if we announce them, right?  Let’s do it!

At the challenge of a certain ex-girlfriend in a very public and inappropriate venue (See comments from previous blog post), I’ve decided to make a list of things that have made me happy for more than one month.

• Purging negative people from my life:  I’ll tell you truly, this one step has made as much difference in my life as any other act I’ve ever undertaken.  One of the great feelings in the world is to think of all the people you regularly associate with, and realize what a powerful influence for good in your life they are.  So if you’re someone I keep talking to, thanks.  If you’re someone I’ve purged, thanks for going away.

• My Blazer:  Yes, I know, car’s shouldn’t make you happy but mine does.  Mostly, it’s that feeling that I can go anywhere and do anything.  I like to drive old cars because it means I don’t have to make a car payment every month.  This has been a blessing and a curse more than once, and I’ve had some cars that spent more time derelict in my driveway than on the road.  This one has had some problems, but a) it’s big, so I can reach my hands and arms inside it to fix more easily, and b) it has a heater, CD player, and air conditioning (and they all WORK!)

• Reading.  I can’t explain it, but reading is my greatest love.  Fiction, non-fiction, sappy love stories, rip roaring adventures, or a good book on an interesting subject, I’ll take it all.

• My old dog, Max.  He was the best friend a kid could ask for, and even though it’s been almost three years since he passed away, I still miss the old boy.  Thinking about him, though, reminds me not to take life too seriously.  I don’t remember him having a down day in his entire 15 years, and he could always tell when you were down.  His solution was to lick your face and snuggle up to you until you smiled and petted him.  Rest in peace, buddy, miss you.

• Music – Doesn’t matter what kind of mood I’m in, music can help it.  In my house growing up, the only music was Mo-tab, so when my oldest brother got a boom box for Christmas, he discovered he held a power over his younger siblings.  If he needed help with work, he would bribe us by saying “I’ll let you listen to my Phantom of the Opera tape!”.  I still think I got the better end of that deal.

• Notebooks – For those of you who don’t know, I have a rather odd quirk (well, several actually,  but this is one of my favorites).  I can’t go anywhere without a notebook and something to write with.  It started when I was in Jr. High and I came to my dad with a problem.  I told him I was having difficulty concentrating because I had all these thoughts floating around in my head and it made it difficult to focus on them.  He suggested I grab a small notebook and write them down.  After I had them on paper, I could work on them now, put them off until later, or just decide they weren’t worth it.  I don’t think I’ve gone longer than a week without something to write in in my pocket since then.  I just love the way they help me calm down, figure things out, or even just let me get creative when I’m bored.  I recommend this to ANYONE to try for a week or two.  It will change EVERYTHING.

• F.Y.E. – You know those nights when you’re slightly broke and miserable?  Well, my solution to that is to take some old movies I don’t watch all that much and get a few bucks at F.Y.E.  That money is sacred, and is only to be spent in the lifting of one’s spirits.  Sometimes that means a little gas in the car, sometimes it might mean a little treat, sometimes it might mean hitting a cheap movie.  It ALWAYS means feeling better.  Love these guys.

• Crossword puzzles – Keeps your brain sharp, your hands busy, and makes the bus come faster.  What more could you possibly ask for?

• Clean Underwear (Yes, Eve and Celeste, that one’s for you) – Honestly, this is one of my favorite things.  The smell and feel of fresh, clean clothes is like snuggling into a warm blanket.  ALWAYS love clean laundry.

• Meditating – I took my first martial arts class when I was a kid, where they taught us the basics of meditation.  Since then, I’ve learned a few different ways to do it, but every one of them calms me right down.  I’ve even been able to mostly conquer my insomniactic tendencies with it.  Powerful stuff.

• Golf – Yeah, I know, this is one of my “things” that I kick around once in a while.  I love the smell of fresh cut grass, and the weight of a club in my hands.  About two years ago, my work sponsored a golf tournament.  I decided, why not, it might be fun to try and I had an old set of golf clubs my grandfather had given me.  Even though I was terrible at it, (and still am, though better than I was) it was just so nice to be out in the fresh air with the sun shining.  I don’t go as often as I might like, but I sure enjoy it when I do.  I even do that thing where you put the golf ball into the cup around my house.  Lame, I know, but it’s relaxing and fun.

• Writing – I love writing short stories, poetry, and lyrics.  My Senior year, I had English with Mr. Snell and Creative Writing with Mrs. Sheen.  He’s a real nut about poetry and she’s a real nut about fiction.  Their combined passion was a storm NOBODY could resist, and I was no exception.  I don’t write often enough for my own tastes, but that’s my own fault.  Doing it is one of those things that just makes me happy.

• Welding – Yup, I bet you didn’t know this about me.  I LOVE welding metal.  There’s no feeling quite like watching hard steel or iron turn cherry red with Promethean fire in the palm of your hands.  You grab your work with a pair of pliers and quench it in a bucket of water and you look closely at it, inspecting it for imperfections and flaws.  Making a perfect piece is nice, but the better feeling is when you can say “okay, I could have done this part better”.  Then you try again and you fix the problem.  Metal may be cold and hard, but it’s an excellent teacher.  I can’t even express many of the lessons I’ve learned from an arc-welder and some steel.

• Computers – These beasties have been one of my favorite puzzles since I was in Elementary school.  My Dad brought home a computer for me to play with one day, when I asked him how it worked.  Only my dad could teach an 8 year old about how computers work.  The man has the patience of Job!  I’m sure he thought I’d quit bugging him with questions about it after a day or two, but now 17 years later, I STILL come up with new ones.  I even remember the first time he ever asked ME for MY opinion on a computer problem.  I fixed it.  That was a good day.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it sure was fun to make.  What about you?  What makes you happy?

I put gas in my car today.  Not a big deal, or anything, but it felt nice.

That sad thing was that I didn’t really have anywhere I needed to be, but just the assurance that I COULD if I WANTED to go somewhere was nice.

Grandma was in a car accident.  That kind of sucked.  She broke her neck and lived through it somehow.  Personally, I think she was just tougher than the other car.

I start work on Sunday.  Yes, I’m working on Sunday.  You may condemn me as you like.  I AM pretty excited about it, though.  I get to work for Apple Computers for Tech Support.

Yeah, this is turning out to be the worst blog post ever.  I wish I had more going on in my life to write about, but I just don’t.  So if you have any suggestions for new adventures, feel free to comment below.  Please.  Seriously.  Like right now.

I was having a really interesting chat conversation with a good friend today when she made a comment that’s been nagging at the back of my mind.

“That’s just a part of the ebb and flow of life.  You have to have one to have the other.”

I must have heard little snippets like that a thousand times, but somehow that image of tides coming in and out was comforting.  Isn’t it nice to know that where you are is just a part of where you’re going? Even who you are is just a moment in time.

I promise these weird posts will stop eventually.  I have too much time to think and not enough to do.  This leads to thinky posts.  Sorry about that.

I love the fall.  In Utah, we don’t really get much of a fall, it’s really more of a pendulum effect between summer and winter, but I still love it.  You have to enjoy whatever parts of it you get, like Halloween, the first frost, and harvesting.  I awoke the other night to howling wind and snow falling outside.  I watched the quiet war between weather and trees as limbs bent and twisted in the wind.  The perfect blend of peace and war played out in the tundrid scene, paying no attention to the man at the window pane.

I picked apples from the old tree in the back yard today.  The best time to pick apples is after the first freeze, because it makes them crunchy and frosty.  It felt like a zen meditation to sort through the apples on the branches, plucking the ripe, red, fleshy ones and throwing away the bruised and broken ones.   When I was done, I carried my small crop gently, being careful not to drop or bruise any of them.  There was only about a grocery sack full of the ruby-red fruits, but each one was  perfect.  Washing the apple and shining it on my shirt made it gleam in the sunlight.  I confirmed it when I bit into my first slice.  Crisp, clear, cool, and delicious.  It was pure heaven.

1.  Flashlight

2.  Conversation Starter

3.  Fly Killer – Yes, I caught a fly with my mp3 player by accident.  I am just that awesome.

4.  Paperweight

5.  Extendo-arm – I dropped my keys between the car seats, and I have big meaty hands.  It gives me an extra two to three (see how I typed out the words for those numbers?  My Biz Comm teacher would be so proud) inches of reach.

I was feeling random and couldn’t sleep.  Can you tell?  Have any to add?  Comments are down below.

Happy Angie?  I couldn’t think of anything else to blog about, but you inspired me to write something.  A little insanity in a far too sane world, just for you.

I never post titles to my blog posts until I’ve finished the entry.  Why?  Because I usually don’t know what I’m going to say when I start typing.
It’s not a matter of censorship, as a good friend recently reminded me that this is MY blog with MY name on it (thanks Ashley).  I worry sometimes ab0ut hurting people’s feelings or making someone uncomfortable.  That’s never been my goal or my intention (contrary to the belief of some, who seem to think I like blabbing secrets all over the internet).

I’ve been letting some comments from girls I dated recently get to me.  Way down deep for some reason, too.  I try to shake it, but it sits in there like a thorn, I guess.  I still haven’t figured out how to pull it out.
One of my goals in going back to school to further my education was to explore my own identity, figure out who I really am, that sort of thing.  I’ve learned since I made that goal that part of the reason we date is not just to discover who we want to be with, but who we DON’T want to be with as well, thus teaching us more about our own identity.  Here’s a short list of some of the things I’ve learned about others and myself in the last few months.

1.  I DON’T want to be with someone who looks at others that are different in some way (choices in movies, race, religion, sexual preference, etc) and sees them as inferior in any way.  It shows weakness of character.  It  really bugs me, and I don’t want to be associated with people like that.  People are different from each other.  It’s a part of how our species grows.  Let God or evolution make the distinctions, as both have been around a lot longer than you.

2.  I DON’T want to be with someone without goals, dreams, or ambitions.  Life is too short not to live it with passion.  Sure, there are periods of life without excitement, but that’s not an excuse not to try to put some in.

3.  I DON’T want to be with someone who’s afraid of making mistakes. Now, I don’t mean someone who acknowledges that they make mistakes, but someone who can actually see the benefit in making them.  I believe that old quote that says “You gain experience from making good choices, and you learn which ones are good choices by making bad choices”.  I add this one with a little hesitation, as this is probably my greatest weakness.

Sorry for the slightly ranty post.  This one has been building in my mind for a little while.  I appreciate your indulgences.

And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

Here’s another confession.

I , Matt Barrington, can be a complete, total, and utter jerk.

It’s something I try to avoid in real life.  I put on a happy, smiling face and try to avoid making others feel uncomfortable, especially if I think what they’re saying is utter nonsense.   I try to let people have their own thoughts and opinions as much as possible.  I think that’s everyone’s right as a human being.  Just because I think what you’re saying is completely insane doesn’t mean it is.

But when I write, either here in my blog, in an email, in a story, or even just in a chat window, apparently I have a lower threshold on my filter. My tone comes across as mean, even though it’s not meant as such.

I’ve been accused of having an acerbic wit.  I promise you, I try to keep it on a short leash, but if I say something that hurts your feelings, it was completely unintentional (at least most of the time).

Someone recently pointed out that I’m not nearly as happy or upbeat as I pretend to be in real life.  At the time,  I thought that was a little unfair, but again eveyone has the right to an opinion. As I thought about it, there are some instances in which this statement is not incorrect.  Then I started to feel guilty, because it made me realize that I don’t trust a lot of people in this world, so people are sometimes suprised by the way I write.

If I get upset, I tend to lose control, as long time readers of this blog can attest.  To be fair, though, I delete a lot more of those entries than ever make it to my front page, though.

The truth is, I’m trying.  I’m trying to be a good, happy, upbeat person.  I’m trying to do the things I know are right and good and true.  I screw up a lot. I hurt people quite by accident.

Maybe I wear a mask of being overly friendly and outgoing.  I don’t know anymore.  I’m not pretending because I want to be fake.  I’m trying to be real.  If you happen to know what real is, I’d sure appreciate it if you could share.

So please forgive my assholery to the greatest extent you can.

It was a good day, overall.

Today was my neice’s second birthday.  She’s growing up into such a big girl, and we’re all so proud of her.  We took her to Ye Olde Spaghetti Factory for dinner, with her mommy and daddy (my sister and brother-in-law), her two grandmas, and me and grandpa.  She’s such a crazy little gal, because she loves broccoli.  BROCCOLI!  (Disclaimer: I really like broccoli, ever since Mom told me I could pretend I was a giant eating trees with them). I still maintain that my sister is using some kind of mind control on her.  We’ll see how Kennedy, my up-and-coming neice, proves my hypothesis.

I understand there was supposed to be a meteor shower tonight.  I don’t know when or how big, but I’m still annoyed I missed it.  I LOVE meteor showers.  Yet another reason to get some CONTACTS around here.  Guh.

So here’s a general request.  Would all of my remaining single, intelligent, fun friends PLEASE move back to the valley?  Seriously, you guys, this isn’t funny anymore.  No more out of the country trips (yes, Evie, I’m looking at you), leastwise, not without me.

Okay, here are some of the joys of having your own website.  You don’t have a sysadmin to fix it when you screw something up.  You don’t even have a sysadmin to TELL you when you screwed something up.
I was starting to think I’d lost everybody that reads my blogs because I hadn’t  had a comment in a while.  Turns out, thanks to a glorious observation by my bro (Thanks Steve), that when I upgraded some software on my server, it set the comments back to the stupid default of “must be registered to comment”.
I think I have it fixed now, but if you could leave me a comment really quick, just to help me test, I’d sure appreciate it.  Thanks!

5 Things I’ve Done This week

1. Went on 3  Dates in one night with the same girl.
2. Kissed in the moonlight.
3. Sat in a swing with a beautiful lady
4. Went to Institute
5. Got dumped

All in all, it’s been one HELL of a week.

Never compromise, even in the face of Armageddon

—Rorschach, (The Watchmen)

I read once that discontent is usually an outward sign that something we’re doing isn’t in harmony with our core values.  The way I figure it, that’s a fancy way of saying we’re doing something we know isn’t right.  I’ve never met anyone who didn’t feel strongly on one point or another, and wasn’t afraid to talk about it.  Some people have environmental issues, some people have politics, and some people have religion.  The funny thing?  I’ll bet you at some point every one of those people has acted in a way that’s contrary to that belief.  I think I figured out why, too.

It’s never a matter of acting against the way we believe all at once.  It really comes about one compromise at a time.  Just a little one.  A single choice is the first step to acting completely against everything you believe in.  Then your mind will do everything in it’s power to fix that discontent.  It starts rewiring things, rationalizing things, doing whatever it can to make what you are becoming the “right” thing.  When in reality, you’re changing who you are completely.

I’ll tell you the truth, I think I’ve been acting against something I believe in strongly.  Discontent is one of the hardest emotions to figure out, because it means diagnosing yourself.  You can talk to anyone you want, and they’ll probably give you some ideas for what might be wrong with you.  You’ll probably act on it, then feel a little better for a while.  Somewhere back in the back of your mind, though, it’s just simmering.  The only real solution is to change your behavior, or to change your values.  Figuring out what you’re doing that’s not what you know you SHOULD be doing is the tricky part.  If you’re not absolutely certain, if it’s not 100% correct, you’re going to feel discontented still.  It’s the nature of the beast.

The nice thing?  There’s a part of you that wants you to be you.  Authentically and uniquely you.  It’s fighting every step you take that’s against that.  Make sure you know who you want it to make you into.  Trust me on this one, that little part of you that usually gets buried behind all kinds of rationalizations and compromises with yourself, it’s going to fight you tooth and nail.

Not intending to be cryptic here.  Trying to use my conscious mind to fight my own compromises.  Love you all.